It’s hard to count the things NBC’s The Facts of Life gave the world during its run from 1979 to 1988. History’s most annoying theme song. The knowledge that any of life’s problems can be solved in half an hour. The name Tootie. And yes, visual evidence of the dangers of prostitution, drug use and paint fighting. But still, something wasn’t quite right.

Thanks to the Onyx Theatre’s production of The Facts of Life: The Lost Episode, which runs from May 7-30, we now realize what was missing—dildos and lesbian sex. This kinky reimagining of the sticky-sweet series comes straight from the mind of Jamie Morris, whose other takeoffs include Mommie Queerest and The Silence of the Clams. The basic premise remains the same—four girls at a boarding school are taken care of by the ever-patient Mrs. Garrett—but the similarities end there. When Mrs. Garrett’s job is threatened by budget cuts (and whose isn’t these days?), the girls spring into action to help—in the most inappropriate, most politically incorrect ways imaginable. Sacrilege to anyone who’s a fan of The Facts of Life, which is precisely why we’ll be attending.