THE DREAM ZONE |
with Lauri Quinn Loewenberg I was at my ex-husband's house when a fight broke out. Fists were flying! I tried to get to my son but I got pushed outside. It seemed like nobody touched him. I was yelling for them to stop. When the fighting ended, I pushed everyone out of the way and reached him. He looked fine, but when I held him, he was dead.
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The past couple years of my life have been miserable, filled with drug addiction and severe depression. I don't leave my house, don't even have friends I can talk to. At times, I remain drug-free but find myself very lonely despite my wife's best efforts to help. I had my driver's license taken away and would like to leave, but fear of the law keeps me at home. I desperately want my life back and hope you can provide a nudge in the right direction. Whatever you can do for me, Mona, would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.
Dear Miserable,
Until now, you've been a "short-cutter" —you've always chosen the most direct route to feel good in the moment. Though I support people having a strong sense of self, I don't support that attitude when it deliberately causes pain to anyone else. You were so self-involved that you really didn't care who you hurt or what the consequences were.
This is your homework: On paper, write about the details in your life to this moment; every nasty, shameful detail. Write it like one of those made-for-TV movies. Start with your upbringing, examples of how you cheated yourself out of connecting with people, things you did no one knows but you. It could take some time to write about everything. Keep this assignment secret, and see for yourself just how hard you made things on yourself by your past behavior.
When you're done, read it through and highlight each event you regret now. Then, write on the margin how you would have done that thing differently if faced with that same issue right now. On a fresh piece of paper, write the following: "These events and my past behavior no longer stand in the way of my ability to love or be successful." Take all the pages outside and safely burn them. You must release the past and realize that in doing so, you gain your power back. Each time you feel the pangs of past regret, write down the memory, the above words of release, then go outside and burn them.
Then contact social services and ask if they have any education programs. If you know of those services now, take advantage of them. You must realize that the past is not your future and that your former life leads to more feelings of separation.
The last homework assignment: Write about how your life changes from here, about the stronger relationship with your wife, your work; describe the house you'll live in, the business you'll start—everything. Focus and predict your own future. There's a personal breakthrough for you as of November if you do what I've suggested. Once you realize you have to do the pragmatic work, you'll find that negotiating the details of a more fulfilling life becomes an adventure. Your past helps you appreciate the contrast of your future.
I've been very worried about my son, Joe. He's been in trouble since he was a teen. He is now 34. After all those years, he hasn't changed that much. He's always had problems, but then again he doesn't try to help himself. Will he ever change? I'm tired of so many years not knowing what's going to happen next. My husband is stressed out and so are my daughters. He is my husband's stepson. I love him very much but I wish he would get on with his own life, and do something good for himself.
Dear Mom,
Joe will straighten out within about two years once you cut off all the resources he's learned to expect from you and your family. I'm serious: Do not send him any money, bail him out of jail, or offer any emotional support. Then he'll actually have to do something on his own.
I'm annoyed with him, too. His cards tell me there is absolutely no reason for him to not be successful. If he would just focus, doors would fly open for him. You can't enlighten him; he has to decide on his own that the quality of life is up to him.
Mona Van Joseph is a licensed psychic in Las Vegas. E-mail questions to [email protected].