May 14
Breakin' All the Rules
Jamie Foxx, Gabrielle Union, Morris Chestnut
Directed by Daniel Taplitz
Plot: Dumped by his fiancée, a man (Foxx) writes a best-selling breakup handbook. Hilarity ensues.
Studio Whore Quote: "This movie rules!"
Troy
Brad Pitt, Eric Bana, Orlando Bloom, Diane Kruger
Directed by Wolfgang Petersen
Plot: A love affair between Paris of Troy (Bloom) and Helen of Sparta (Kruger) ignites a war in which Hector (Bana) and Achilles (Pitt) battle to the death, along with the requisite cast of thousands, both real and CGI. More importantly, Brad Pitt wears a leather skirt. Grrrowl!
Studio Whore Quote: "Troy is Homerlicious! Pitt's performance is worthy of the classics!"
May 19
Shrek 2
Voices of Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz, Eddie Murphy
Directed by Kelly Asbury and Conrad Vernon
Plot: Loveable ogre Shrek and his newly ogre-fied bride Fiona return to her home to celebrate their union, only to find that not everyone finds the couple so loveable.
Studio Whore Quote: "Shrek 2 is two-rific!"
May 28
The Day After Tomorrow
Dennis Quaid, Jake Gyllenhaal, Sela Ward
Directed by Roland Emmerich
Plot: Somehow, global warming all happens in one day, causing lots of special effects, including hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and a new Ice Age. Much fleeing ensues.
Studio Whore Quote: "The real disaster would be missing out on this movie!"
Raising Helen
Kate Hudson, John Corbett, Joan Cusack
Directed by Garry Marshall
Plot: After the deaths of her sister and brother-in-law, Helen (Hudson), a modeling agency assistant in New York, winds up with custody of her two nieces and a nephew and must decide between her glam lifestyle and the kids. We're hoping she picks the former, but we're also used to disappointment.
Studio Whore Quote: "Kate Hudson raises Garry Marshall's flick off the charts!"
Soul Plane
Snoop Dogg, Tom Arnold, D.L. Hughley, Method Man
Directed by Jessy Terrero
Plot: Dakwon (Kevin Hart) uses winnings from a settlement to found the first all-black airline, NWA, but some white passengers accidently wind up on its inaugural flight. Question: What size rims does a 747 take?
Studio Whore Quote: "A transatlantic flight of hilarity! The ETA is F-U-N"
June 4
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint
Directed by Alfonso Cuaron
Plot: Boy wizard Harry Potter is back for his third year at Hogwarts, facing a renegade wizard played by Gary Oldman.
Studio Whore Quote: "Once again, Harry works his magic!"
Mindhunters
LL Cool J, Jonny Lee Miller, Val Kilmer, Christian Slater
Directed by Renny Harlin
Plot: Seven trainees in the FBI's psychological profiling program go to a remote island for testing and discover they are being hunted by one of their own, a real serial killer. Who wants to make bets now that there's a twist ending?
Studio Whore Quote: "A knuckle-biter from beginning to end! You'll never guess whodunit in this stylish thriller!"
June 11
The Chronicles of Riddick
Vin Diesel, Judi Dench, Colm Feore
Directed by David Twohy
Plot: The hero of Twohy's sleeper hit Pitch Black, Riddick (Diesel), returns to find himself caught in the middle of an intergalactic war.
Studio Whore Quote: "The best Riddick movie since Pitch Black!"
Garfield
Bill Murray, Breckin Meyer, Jennifer Love Hewitt
Directed by Peter Hewitt
Plot: Live-action adaptation of the long-running comic strip about a fat, lazy cat (voiced by Murray) and his neurotic owner (Meyer).
Studio Whore Quote: "You'll eat it up like Garfield eats lasagna!"
The Stepford Wives
Nicole Kidman, Bette Midler, Matthew Broderick, Christopher Walken
Directed by Frank Oz
Plot: A young couple (Broderick and Kidman) moves from Manhattan to the upper-class suburb of Stepford and discover that the men there are replacing their wives with perfect robots. We're sure the Germaine Greer fan club will have something negative to say about this idea.
Studio Whore Quote: "The perfect cast for the perfect summer movie! Sparks fly as Kidman and Broderick cross wires!"
June 16
Around the World in 80 Days
Jackie Chan, Steve Coogan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kathy Bates
Directed by Frank Coraci
Plot: A thief (Chan) on the run takes refuge in the companionship of a British adventurer and inventor (Coogan) who has made a bet with his gentleman's club that he can circumvent the globe in four-score days. Schwarzenegger plays the womanizing ruler of a wacky bankrupt land on the coast.
Studio Whore Quote: "This voyage was so much fun, I wish it had lasted 160 days! Chan is perfectly cast as Passepartout!"
June 18
Darkness
Anna Paquin, Lena Olin, Iain Glen
Directed by Jaume Balaguero
Plot: Your basic haunted-house movie.
Studio Whore Quote: "Scarier than [insert last summer's haunted-house movie]!"
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Vince Vaughn, Christine Taylor, Ben Stiller, Justin Long
Directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber
Plot: Misfits enter a Las Vegas dodgeball tournament to try to stop a healthclub chain from taking over their favorite local gym. Don't laugh: somewhere, tetherball is being considered as an Olympic sport even as you read this.
Studio Whore Quote: "A deeply moving study of life's eternal questions. Thurber is a poet for a new age."
The Terminal
Tom Hanks, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Stanley Tucci
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Plot: Inspired by a true story, Hanks plays an immigrant forced to take up residence in an airport terminal when his immigration papers are invalidated.
Studio Whore Blurb: "I wouldn't mind being stuck in an airport with this movie!"
June 23
White Chicks
Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Anne Dudek, Maitland Ward
Directed by Keenen Ivory Wayans
Plot: Two FBI agents (the Wayan brothers) assigned to protect the Wilton sisters (Dudek and Ward) are forced to impersonate the hotel-fortune heiresses to foil a kidnapping plot. Look for a pornographic home video to be leaked just prior to the film's release, with very disturbing footage involving Marlon and Rick Salomon.
Studio Whore Quote: "There's no disguising the break-out comedy hit of the season! The Wayan brothers put the humor back into race relations!"
June 25
The Notebook
Rachel McAdams, Ryan Gosling, Gena Rowlands, James Garner
Directed by Nick Cassavetes
Plot: An old woman (Rowlands) with Alzheimer's is regularly visited by an old man (Garner) who reads her a story from a notebook about a man (Gosling) wooing a woman (McAdams) in the '40s. It soon becomes apparent that the young couple and the elderly couple are the same.
Studio Whore Quote: "You'll never forget seeing The Notebook. This story will be indelibly written on your heart."
Two Brothers
Guy Pearce, Christian Clavier
Directed by Jean-Jacques Annaud
Plot: Annaud's wildlife epic, set in the 1920s, follows two tiger cubs as they come of age and encounter humans for the first time.
Studio Whore Quote: "A roaring adventure!"
June 30
Spider-man 2
Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, Alfred Molina
Directed by Sam Raimi
Plot: Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can. Also fights new villain Dr. Octopus (Molina).
Studio Whore Quote: "Spider-Man 2 is two-rific!"
July 7
King Arthur
Clive Owen, Stephen Dillane, Keira Knightley, Ioan Gruffudd
Directed by Antoine Fuqua
Plot: As the Roman Empire falls, a man (Owen) emerges in Britain to unite the warring knights and establish a new kingdom. A supposed realistic take on the legend produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. Guinevere (Knightley) is an independent woman who takes names and kicks ass, but in a medievel kind of way.
Studio Whore Quote: "It's Pirates of the Caribbean meets Pearl Harbor ... with swords! Clive Owen is hereby crowned sexiest man alive!"
July 9
Anchorman
Will Ferrell, Christina Applegate, Paul Rudd, David Koechner, Steve Carell
Directed by Adam McKay
Plot: In 1970s San Diego, hot-shot TV news anchor Ron Burgundy (Ferrell) finds his position challenged by an ambitious female newscaster (Applegate) and his competitor, Wes Mantooth (Vince Vaughn), not to mention his own ineptitude. Bawdy humor and pratfalls at 11.
Studio Whore Quote: "Move over, Cronkite, there's a new funny man in town! An all-American comic cast!"
Sleepover
Alexa Vega, Mika Boorem, Scout Taylor-Compton, Kalli Flynn Childress
Directed by Joe Nussbaum
Plot: The summer before high school, a group of girls have a sleepover that turns into a night which changes their lives forever. There may also be a pillow fight.
Studio Whore Quote: "A heartwarming coming-of-age tale that will warm your heart."
July 16
A Cinderella Story
Hilary Duff, Chad Michael Murray, Jennifer Coolidge
Directed by Mark Rosman
Plot: A modernized retelling of the classic Cinderella tale, with a cell phone instead of a glass slipper. Those kids and their darned cell phones.
Studio Whore Quote: "Duff's performance is like a wish come true!"
I, Robot
Will Smith, Bridget Moynahan, James Cromwell
Directed by Alex Proyas
Plot: In the future, a police detective (Smith) investigates the possible murder of a scientist by a robot. Loosely based on a book by sci-fi legend Isaac Asimov.
Studio Whore Quote: "I, loved it!"
July 23
The Bourne Supremacy
Matt Damon, Franka Potente, Joan Allen
Directed by Paul Greengrass
Plot: A Chinese official is supposedly assassinated by Jason Bourne, the cover for CIA agent David Webb (Damon). It's up to the real "Bourne" to find the killer, stop an impending war and protect his girlfriend (Potente). And maybe even race around in a Mini Cooper, too!
Studio Whore Quote: "The Bourne Supremacy reigns supreme this summer! Matt Damon is back and ready to show Ben Affleck what a real action movie is supposed to look like!"
Catwoman
Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt, Sharon Stone
Directed by Pitof
Plot: Nerds of the world are up in arms that this comic-book adaptation about a woman (Berry) with cat-like powers bears little resemblance to its source material. Beware the power of nerds.
Studio Whore Quote: "It's the cat's meow!"
July 30
The Manchurian Candidate
Denzel Washington, Meryl Streep, Liev Schreiber, Jon Voight
Directed by Jonathan Demme
Plot: During the Gulf War, U.S. soldiers are captured and brainwashed. Ten years later, one of them (Schreiber) is put into action while running for political office while another (Washington) starts to remember what was done to them and tries to put a stop to the unknown plan that has been set in motion. And just in time for election season.
Studio Whore Quote: "The Manchurian Candidate is the clear winner! Washington is riveting in the role Sinatra made famous!"
Thunderbirds
Bill Paxton, Ben Kingsley, Anthony Edwards
Directed by Jonathan Frakes
Plot: Based on the slightly creepy 1960s British stop-motion animated TV series, the film follows a family of international action heroes. Sadly, it does not feature a stop-motion Ben Kingsley.
Studio Whore Quote: "An action-packed thrill ride! The most fun you'll have at the movies this summer!"
The Village
Judy Greer, William Hurt, Joaquin Phoenix
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan
Plot: Set in rural Pennsylvania in 1897, the film focuses on a tiny village surrounded by woods inhabited by a race of mythical creatures. Spoooooooky.
Studio Whore Quote: "Shyamalan's best since The Sixth Sense! Will scare you senseless!"
August 6
Collateral
Tom Cruise, Jamie Foxx, Jada Pinkett-Smith
Directed by Michael Mann
Plot: A cab driver (Foxx) discovers that his passenger (Cruise) is really a contract killer.
Studio Whore Quote: "Ride along with a devilish Cruise in this stylish thriller!"
Shall We Dance?
Richard Gere, Jennifer Lopez, Susan Sarandon
Directed by Peter Chelsom
Plot: An overworked accountant (Gere) becomes infatuated with a dance instructor (Lopez), signing up for lessons which eventually improve his marriage and his life. In other words, a carbon-copy of the hit 1996 Japanese film, but undoubtedly without the charm.
Studio Whore Quote: "Gere and Lopez sizzle on the dance floor and off! I haven't seen chemistry like this since Dance With Me!"
August 11
The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Anne Hathaway, Julie Andrews, Hector Elizondo
Directed by Garry Marshall
Plot: After having discovered she's the princess of a tiny country in the first film, Mia (Hathaway) moves to her new realm and faces new fish-out-of-water wackiness, including the prospect of an arranged marriage.
Studio Whore Quote: "The Princess Diaries 2 is two-rific!"
August 13
Alien vs. Predator
Sanaa Lathan, Lance Henriksen, Ewan Bremner
Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson
Plot: Dude, so, like, the Aliens and the Predators totally fight! Isn't that awesome?
Studio Whore Quote: "Dude! Awesome!"
Yu-Gi-Oh!
The voices of Dan Green, Wayne Grayson, Amy Birnbaum
Directed by Ryosuke Takahashi
Plot: Feature-length version of popular yet incomprehensible Japanese animated kids show. Be prepared: There are collectible cards.
Studio Whore Quote: "My 5-year-old loved it!"
August 20
Exorcist: The Beginning
Stellan Skarsgård, James D'Arcy, Izabella Scorupco
Directed by Renny Harlin
Plot: In this prequel to The Exorcist, Father Merrin (Skarsgård) first encounters demonic possession while doing missionary work in post-WWII Africa while a young priest (D'Arcy) tries to understand Merrin's loss of faith.
Studio Whore Quote: "More terrifying than all the other Exorcists combined! Sure to give a new generation nightmares!"
August 27
Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
Johnny Messner, Morris Chestnut, Eygene Byrd
Directed by Dwight H. Little
Plot: Sequel to cheesy 1997 horror flick Anaconda. This time, there are many snakes. Notably does not star Ice Cube, Jennifer Lopez or Owen Wilson, all of whom have done pretty well for themselves since appearing in the first film.
Studio Whore Quote: "Ten times the snakes equals ten times the terror!"