If there's one thing I don't need, it's having my path home impeded at 5:50 on a Monday night in December. The TV is expecting me soon, and I can't disappoint.
That's why I was perturbed when my dash out of a supermarket was interrupted by a store employee.
"Sir ... sir ... excuse me. Do you have a receipt for that?"
Great. Of all the people shopping, she singles me out. Of course, I was the only one running full speed toward the exit. And, yeah, I was only in the store to grab a prescription from the pharmacy in the back, so I suppose it appeared as if I was bypassing the main checkout area on purpose. But those are details that really should be overlooked 10 minutes to kickoff, no?
I show the lady the receipt and she says, "So what's your hurry?"
I try to give her clues.
"Um. It's Monday."
Blank stare.
"Almost 6 o'clock."
Still nothing. I certainly don't have time to continue down this path, so I spell it out for her.
"Listen, in 10 minutes, I need to get home because the Monday Night Football game begins. My house is six minutes away—seven if I don't run the red light up there. I'm really, really pressed for time."
She gives me some line about how I could have avoided the situation by leaving a little earlier (can she not see that I'm male, and therefore incapable of such planning?) and lets me go.
As I reach the door, I'm still a little curious as to whether she really thought I had a criminal intent. I spin around and ask.
"Did you really think I was trying to steal this?"
She smiles.
"Nah. But I couldn't figure why anyone would be in such a hurry to see the Packers and Ravens. I know it's Brett Favre and all, but neither team is going anywhere this season and Baltimore will probably kill them, if they can find some offense for a change."
Go figure.
Golden Nerf update: With two weeks remaining, the celebrity battle for the championship and possession of our traveling trophy, the Golden Nerf, has suddenly become a close race.
Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, has held the lead for virtually the entire season, and still has a slight edge with a 26-18-1 record against the point spread. But Newton went 0-3 last week and Monte Carlo master magician Lance Burton pulled three rabbits out of his hat for the second consecutive week to move within a half-game of Newton. Burton won the inaugural battle for the Golden Nerf in 2001.
KLAS-TV Channel 8 meteorologist Kevin Janison is also well within striking distance, one game behind the leader, and New York-New York comedian Rita Rudner and Mirage impressionist Danny Gans are still in contention, only three wins off the pace.
Lance Burton (26-19)
Saints -3 vs. Lions
Dolphins -5 1/2 vs. Titans
Patriots -6 1/2 at Jets
Danny Gans (23-22)
49ers +9 at Rams
Jaguars -6 at Texans
Patriots -6 1/2 at Jets
Oscar Goodman (22-23)
Steelers -7 at Browns
Vikings -1 at Ravens
Patriots -6 1/2 at Jets
Clint Holmes (21-22-2)
Redskins -3 vs. Giants
Bills +13 1/2 at Bengals
Patriots -6 1/2 at Jets
Kevin Janison (25-19-1)
Jaguars -6 at Texans
Chiefs-Chargers over 50
49ers +9 at Rams
Mark & Mercedes (21-21-3)
Chargers +1 at Chiefs
Colts +7 1/2 at Seahawks
Raiders +13 at Broncos
Wayne Newton (26-18-1)
Seahawks-Colts over 44 1/2
Packers +6 vs Bears
Patriots -6 1/2 at Jets
Penn & Teller (21-24)
Steelers -7 at Browns
Patriots -6 1/2 at Jets
Dolphins -5 1/2 at Titans
Rita Rudner (23-19-3)
Steelers -7 at Browns
Bears -6 at Packers
Patriots -6 1/2 at Jets
Sal picks Chiefs-Chargers over 50, Bengals-Bills over 43 and Pats -6 1/2 at Jets.